Saturday, 3 December 2016

to the many yous

I really don't like leaving behind words and memories that are unhappy. I try not to, so that when one random day when I feel bored and decide to read back on my own old stuff, it will reduce the chance of me coming across a memory that is unhappy. But right now I think I need to let some stuff out. I really need to.

At one point in life we all find something amazing, something too good to be true, something we want to hold on to forever, something that we hope and hope and hope that it will stay that way forever. There are times, there are things, that we don't want to ever change. But the fact is, what is the same? What ever stays the same? Nothing is ever the same because however hard you try to keep it that way, no matter how much fucking effort you put in trying to keep it the same, it is already different.

The fact is that everything has changed.

Everyfuckingthing.

Once upon a time I thought this was easy, not because they really were easy, not because I think of myself as a capable individual, maybe because of those two factors, but mainly, mostly, most importantly, it was because I thought, no matter how hard things get, they will never ever be that bad, because I had you. I had all of you. There was so much. We were so sure.

But now, I'm really not.

I feel lost. Not because I've gone off track, but because I'm not sure if it's still right going on without you. The you that I once had.

I feel very alone. Not because I'm here alone, but because it's as they said, I am among people, but I still feel lonely. There is nothing I can say that you will willingly listen to. There kind of never was.

Most of all, the reason why I'm writing this,

is because I feel sad.

I don't know why I didn't want to admit it. I don't know why I find it so difficult to admit it, but I feel sad. I feel sad most of the times recently, I feel sad about many things, and these things aren't the ones that would make you feel better just by talking about them. I don't know why this is so hard.

One look. One goddamn look was all it took. One fucking look was the trigger of many many many things I tried so hard to keep away from you. I thought I could do it. I really thought I had it together. This isn't the first time I saw this look, but it still hurt like the first time, possibly even more than that.

Maybe things changed the moment you feel you the need to give me that look. And the thing is, even if things didn't change then, they definitely will not be different anymore because I cannot pretend that I didn't see it. I saw it. I remembered it, and I'm going to remember it for a long time. That's both my blessing and my curse. I remember everything too well.

I remember the face, and I remember the hurt.

Ok.

I am very sad.