Saturday, 3 December 2016

to the many yous

I really don't like leaving behind words and memories that are unhappy. I try not to, so that when one random day when I feel bored and decide to read back on my own old stuff, it will reduce the chance of me coming across a memory that is unhappy. But right now I think I need to let some stuff out. I really need to.

At one point in life we all find something amazing, something too good to be true, something we want to hold on to forever, something that we hope and hope and hope that it will stay that way forever. There are times, there are things, that we don't want to ever change. But the fact is, what is the same? What ever stays the same? Nothing is ever the same because however hard you try to keep it that way, no matter how much fucking effort you put in trying to keep it the same, it is already different.

The fact is that everything has changed.


Once upon a time I thought this was easy, not because they really were easy, not because I think of myself as a capable individual, maybe because of those two factors, but mainly, mostly, most importantly, it was because I thought, no matter how hard things get, they will never ever be that bad, because I had you. I had all of you. There was so much. We were so sure.

But now, I'm really not.

I feel lost. Not because I've gone off track, but because I'm not sure if it's still right going on without you. The you that I once had.

I feel very alone. Not because I'm here alone, but because it's as they said, I am among people, but I still feel lonely. There is nothing I can say that you will willingly listen to. There kind of never was.

Most of all, the reason why I'm writing this,

is because I feel sad.

I don't know why I didn't want to admit it. I don't know why I find it so difficult to admit it, but I feel sad. I feel sad most of the times recently, I feel sad about many things, and these things aren't the ones that would make you feel better just by talking about them. I don't know why this is so hard.

One look. One goddamn look was all it took. One fucking look was the trigger of many many many things I tried so hard to keep away from you. I thought I could do it. I really thought I had it together. This isn't the first time I saw this look, but it still hurt like the first time, possibly even more than that.

Maybe things changed the moment you feel you the need to give me that look. And the thing is, even if things didn't change then, they definitely will not be different anymore because I cannot pretend that I didn't see it. I saw it. I remembered it, and I'm going to remember it for a long time. That's both my blessing and my curse. I remember everything too well.

I remember the face, and I remember the hurt.


I am very sad.

Sunday, 4 September 2016

pandan leaves

conversations/inside jokes....

Person: “...她叫什么名了啊?”
Everyone else: “HORRRRRR!!!!!!!”

*cutting and combining songs*
Person 1: “这样可以吗?我还是觉得很奇怪叻。”
Person 2: “哇,不能不能,它们是两个世界的。”
Person 3: “是咯,你是上面那个世界,我是下面那个世界。”

*FaceTime XXX*, *YYY arrives late*
Person 1: “XXX!你看 YYY 迟到!”
YYY (confused af and gazed around): “XXX在哪里?她都不在。”
Person 2: “XXX, 你看,他当你没有到!”
YYY (continues gazing around confused): “她到底在哪里?”

X: *moves*

*choreographing and planning on movements*
X: “哇,这样要走很远哦!”
Y (worried): “oh, 是啊?”
X: “没有没有,你们不用走,不用担心。”
X: “真的是很远,要走很快。”
ABCD: “不用紧啊,我们脚长。”
C: “脚短的已经在对面了,不用走。”

*stands in one straight line*
X: “这个排法是根据什么的?”
Y: “...高度。”

X: YES high 5!
Y: *raises hand*
X: WAH 你的手很可爱叻!
Y: 很多人都酱子讲。
Z: Seeeeriously?

Z to X and Y: Oi, 你们两个站靠近一点!
X: Wah 我怕你踢到我。
Y: 我也怕我踢到你。
Z to X: 你有信心吗?
X to Y: 我很有信心我会踢到你。

X: EH 你不是明天考试 meh?
Y: ....yea?
X: 然后你还来?
Z: 还要跳到 12am...

X: Sorry, 我跳错了。
Y: 不是,你是根本没有跳。

X: 去我家咯。
Y: 走咯,去你家咯。
X: 去我家 zomo?
Y: 你自己提议的!

X: 终于有一首歌是我听过的。
Y: WAH 很厉害叻。
Y: 鼓掌啦,为什么你们没有鼓掌?
Z: 我的心在为她鼓掌。

X: *wraps duffel bag around neck*
Y: *laughs* 你在做什么?
X: 做自己。

*planning on ending location*
X: Eh, 这样你就跟我在一起了咯。
Y: 我就是要跟你在一起!

X: 或者你们睡下去啦。
Everyone: WAHHHH 睡下去哦..
Y: 你要谁睡下去?
X: Nehhh, for example, A and B 睡下去....
Everyone: 来来来,A and B,快点睡下去!
Z: 快点,一起睡下去!


“HAHAHAHAHAHA,can I ride on you?!”

“Nehhh,还有 XXX ...”

*choosing props*
Z:“我们用 pandan 叶啦。”
Everyone else: “OKAY ON!”

Thanks for the fun times guys. None of you will see this but I really love you all. I don't even remember who was in the room when we finished our performance and I was just lying on the floor and suddenly sat up and annoucned, "weih, 我很爱你们叻。" 
Because that time there was this sudden moment where EVERY frame of every moment we had together, every moment of me watching you guys laughing and having fun together, all flashed by my mind, and I couldn't contain the feels. 
I really regret not getting more group photos and forgetting about photos with each of you all. 
I can only remember all these moments, which is also enough, but there could have been more, but I stupidly forgotten.
I really hope there would be more times in the future where all of us will still be together.
I hope all of us stay friends always. 
Thank you all for all of this. 


Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Note to self.

I know words are inadequate to perfectly or completely describe or express a feeling. That's why it's always so difficult (or not easy) to answer questions like, "what do you want?", "what are you looking for?" What if what we described wasn't up to par with what we really want in our lives, right?

It's already difficult to explain a feeling for something, let alone a someone. People are very complex beings, because we all have different brains, minds, body and soul. We are all different, yet beautiful all the same. Anyway, in addition to the difficulty and the somehow lack of words in the dictionary or the lack of vocabulary of ourselves, there is the fear of rejection when you express a feeling you have for someone once you tell them how you feel and what you think of them.

What if you're not as important to them as they are to you?

What if the moments that you spent with them made the best memories in your mind, but to them, it was just another day?

That's what we fear, that's what we want to avoid, to be in a one-sided relationship, be it with a friend or a significant other or a family member. It'll suck.


But but but.

What we forget sometimes it's that, we are all people. That's the thing. We are all people. Different as we are there has to be something that we all have in common, and I think the thing is, love. Don't we all like to be told that we are loved and wanted? Don't we all want to feel loved and needed? If you do, surely the other person, too.

Yes, we might grow up differently and think differently and all, but we all need love.

And sometimes, people are really blunt. I'm not saying everyone is like that, I say this simply because I am like that, and if there is one person who is like that, there has to be other people who are like that, too. Which means, we need to be told! (Hahahahahaha)


To some people this might sound all bittersweet and romantic and all that, but to people like me, I'd be like, “你都没有跟我讲你爱我,我哪里知道你爱我 JIEK?”

I know, I know, sometimes you gotta FEEL it. And don't get me wrong, you CAN feel it at times. But loving someone isn't a bad thing, right? It's one thing to feel ashamed when you've done something wrong and terrible, and want to hide it from the lights and eyes of the world, but, this is love we're talking about. If you appreciate it when your siblings you usually have a love-hate relationship with suddenly buys you snacks or something, you tell them; if you appreciate it when your friend helps you out with homework or something, you tell them; if you appreciate it when your mom cooks food for you everyday, you tell her. Because the problem with us is that we convey and spread negativity (complaints, etc) to the outside, and we hide and keep the positivity (our love for things and people) inside, when it should be the other way around.

Besides, Ted said,

Point being, you have to let people know if they are important to you. It'll make their day, and yours, too. Because love, even in the simplest form, is contagious, and it forms a ripple.

So have no fear, and just love on. 

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

semester break

I've made a few promises to myself to get a few things done this semester break. Having it coming to an end soon now, I think I should be rather proud of myself that I actually stuck to my words.

I finished two books! One which I've been reading since even before semester break, but never had enough time to be fully and completely into it because responsibilities and priorities of those times. Another which I've bought along with some others with the book vouchers.

This is one of the most romantic books I've ever read. 

I liked it when I was just halfway through it, that time we still had classes and Felicia saw me reading it. I remember her asking me, “好看吗?” and I said, “好看~” and she was like, “你回答的时候一脸幸福样。” 

The second book.

I've seen this book around bookstores a lot when I picked up some books, but it didn't really appeal to me back then. But this time, upon seeing it so many times, I decided to buy it. I think, in a way, I was meant to buy it and read it now instead of months or years ago. Because if I had read it before this, I think I wouldn't have understood anything said in here. The contents and words wouldn't hit or get to me like it did now. 

I remember starting this book at The Garden's Borders Starbucks, when I was waiting for my mom. I started reading it and in my mind and heart the only way I could react to it was 'WOW', and all I could think of was life. And I was only a few pages into the book then. 

If you asked me right now, this would be the book that I would recommend people to read. I'm not sure if they'd get it, but it doesn't matter, I think. For me, if I don't understand what I read I would read it again and I guess people would do the same? But anyway, check it out if time permits. It's not a very lengthy story nor a very thick book, but there are a lot of things to be learned from here. Genius.

The second thing completed was watching some movies and dramas that I left untouched halfway. 

I think anyone who has watched this badass series would agree with me when I say it's cool as hell.

I'm not finished with it though. I'm only at season 4 out of 5. I'm getting there!

When I finished season 3, I felt like it was a bit too heavy for my happy heart and soul (hahahaha). But I was looking for something to watch, still, and I remembered Wee Chia telling me that there is this drama series that the cast of 琅琊榜 acted in. I didn't really want to start getting hooked and completely obsessed with another drama series, but I had time, I thought, so I checked it out anyway. 

And of course, I got hooked.

42 episodes in 4 days. That's acceptable, right? Yes it is. I've done crazier. Then I asked Felicia to watch it, and told Wee Chia that I really like it. There aren't a lot of friends around me who watch and follow China drama series, so I feel lucky to have two who do. 

When all of us finished 琅琊榜, it was all that we could talk about, and then there was 芈月传, and before that there was 甄嬛传. But the drama that we really couldn't stop thinking or talking about was 琅琊榜 because feels and mindfucks and 胡歌 (hahahaha no la, it's not just 胡歌, it's the whole crew that was so perfectly cast). 

It was during the previous sem break where we went on our PJ one day eating trip, and the three of us were at Texas Chicken talking about 琅琊榜, and then later that evening we weren't finished with our topic so Wee Chia said, “我们要找个地方坐下来慢慢聊琅琊榜了。” AND SO WE DID.

Given that 欢乐颂 has the 琅琊榜原班人马 starring in it, I said to them, “惨咯,现在我们又要找个地方坐下来慢慢聊欢乐颂了。” Hahahaha! #anticipating

But yea, these dramas don't just show you pretty faces, it reflects life as well.

The most important thing that I wanted to do this semester break was to spend more time with my friends and family. There was a period of time before sem break, I think it was during study break, where I feel disconnected with the outside world. That was fine to me because it was just the outside world, right? But I kenot. I feel like I haven't seen my friends in a very long time and I haven't been really around my parents. 

Right after my end of semester exams, I went on the long awaited trip to Penang with my parents, aunt from Australia and my grandmother. I would tell you of the other thing happening back in KL while we were on the trip that caused my mood to swing by the smallest trigger, but, I'd rather not. Hahaha. Even my dad was trying to keep all emotion and thoughts under control, but he did tell me he couldn't really enjoy the trip. I can understand that. No one would be able to enjoy being away from a family member in need. 

But we did a pretty good job, I would say. We were still able to have fun, even if it's not the fullest. 

It was pretty sad that the street arts of Penang are mostly gone.

At night when we were in bed talking:

Me:"Don't you all have anything to say?"
Aunt:"No, you talk la, we listen."
Mom:"What do you want to talk about?"
Me:"I want to talk about boys."
Aunt:"Oh. You have anyone you like?"
Aunt:"Then talk what?"
Me:"I don't know oh."

Hahahahahaha! #一场没有内容的conversation

Coincidentally, my brother finished his 3 months of internship and would be spending time at home with me. Being the two friendless people who spend most of their times at home doing nothing much, he asked me to play this game with him.

Stressful. As. Fuck.

It's actually just a game of rolling dies, but the problem is you have to get EXACTLY what the cards show. There were also different characters with different skills where you can draw and use, and this monster boss that'd be awaken depending on what you do in the adventure. So if the character you drew was of great help with the adventure cards you drew, great. If not, wait to be screwed. It was basically a game of LUCK, and I don't do so well in games of luck. Hahahahaha! 

Bro: "You are so bad at rolling dies!"

How can a person be bad at rolling dies? Don't you just roll them? Apparently not. Hahahahaha!

You know how it is always said that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes, that bad situations are actually blessings in disguise? Thinking back on it as I write now, I think I can relate. 

So...... One of my family members got ill and was admitted to the hospital, which caused all of my relatives, all of my cousins, everyone, to get together to visit her. Some even traveled miles from a different state to come over. I know, I know, some might say or wonder, why does something have to happen for everyone to realize the importance of togetherness and be appreciative of our loved ones? But there are inevitable things, and since they have already happened, isn't the best thing we can do is to just make the best out of it? There are always things to learn in every situation that life puts us in, and I am grateful that the ill family member of mine is alright now, and that there was something that got my whole big family together. It's better that something happened that got us together instead of tearing us apart, isn't it? Even if it was something not worth celebrating.

So yea, I got to see them instead of only seeing them once a year. 

Having studying Chinese Medicine, their favourite question to ask me were of course:

1. 你会把脉吗?
2. 你会针灸吗?


Future third-cousin-brother-in-law even voluntarily be my test subject as I "perform" acupuncture in front of the cousins. 

My uncle even came and told me his discomfort and I helped him apply acupuncture.

“看病的快点来排队!” - Aunt 


Which reminds me of something my friend once said, “你要看病最还趁现在,以后要给钱了。”

A few days ago I went on a trip with those guys. You know. Those guys. 

Neh. These guys.

It's really difficult to tell you what happened during this 2 days 1 night trip to Ipoh with them because half the things cannot be understood unless you were there and the other half were all "what happened here stays here". Hahahaha!

So ya. 

What's important is that we remember the joy and fun and seasons in the sun. 

Also, my driving in the city really varies a whole damn lot from when I drive on the highway. ^^v

Coming back from this trip with these people, and asked about, "how was the trip?", my answer was a bit cheesy and gooey, but it was really what I felt. 



#IpohParade #album #memories


That's all I have to report and record on my semester break. :)

今天我吃了一整条 Oreo.


Thursday, 16 June 2016

oh dat fail x HB dim

Let's take some time to talk about what we've done yesterday.

It was our dear friend Dim's 21st birthday, but we are currently on study break, so we didn't need to go to school, thus not being able to see her and spend time with her and accompany her on her special day. So, being the nice and kind and thoughtful friends that we were, we created a Whatsapp group to discuss on this surprise we planned to give her.

It wasn't much of a plan. We just added a few people in, then said things like 'hey let's go to Dim's house and surprise her on Wednesday.' and they were like 'ok.'
That was on Monday, and we didn't talk in that group on Tuesday, and then it was Wednesday. Because Dim lived like, 2 tollgates and around 30-40 minutes (my driving speed and depending on traffic) away from the rest of us (except Ru), my plan was to leave in the morning, around 11am, because any earlier she might not even be up from bed yet, so when we get there it'd be around 1130am, after seeing her being surprised and all it'd be around 12pm and we would go have lunch or something, then we can go home.

So on Wednesday morning, we confirmed the plan. Which isn't actually much of a plan because we didn't even buy gifts or cake or anything. In my head I'm just thinking like, our arrival and appearance is already the best surprise. Hahaha!

So we embarked on the journey to Dim's place. Before that, we dropped by Ru's to pick her up. The journey to Dim's house was smooth like a baby's butt because shockingly Ru remembered the way to her house, she usually doesn't remember the ways to anywhere from anywhere. So it was a rather touching moment.

As we slowly reached her house, it looked very quiet and empty.

'Shit, I don't think she's home.' Someone in the car said.

I pulled over outside her house. We have thought about her not being at home, and on the way to her house we might or might not have thought of calling her and be all like 'hey, i just called to wish you a happy birthday in case you are feeling sad that you had to study on your birthday' or like 'hey where you at? oh lunch with your mom? where? oh no la, just wanted to keng gai with you'. Or, I don't know, ASK HER SISTER where she'd be?

So anyway, Ru dialed her number and asked. 'Hey, where are you?'
'Har? I'm in school oh.'

My eyes had never been bigger and my jaws had never dropped lower and I had never laughed louder. (Exaggerations. Of course I had.) It was so stupid because we were just at school earlier in the morning because I had to pick Felicia and Daphne up from there.

'I've been going to school to study for the past few days, but not today because we were going out. If I were to go I would have seen her and could have stopped this from happening.' Felicia said.

'I almost wanted to go to school to study today, but I thought there's no need because it's only for a while so I just stayed at home.' Daphne said.

'I thought of asking her sister if she'd be going anywhere today but I thought she'd probably be at home studying.' Ru said.

'We should have told one of her family members that we are planning a surprise.' Wee Chia said.

But we did neither of those things that we thought about, so instead, we woke up early in the morning, drove like 30 minutes to her house, only to be greeted by a bag of trash outside her house. It wasn't just that she wasn't home, NO ONE was at home. Not one single living soul. HAHAHAHAHA!

But we found out later that her mom was at home because Dim told us her mom saw our car driving away.

Dim was all like, 'wow I don't know what to say.'
And Ru was like, 'WE ALSO DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. Wei Shan is the most speechless she drove all the way here.'


After this event Felicia was like, 'Let's not plan surprises anymore in the future.'
And I think we all agreed silently to that.

So since we were already there, we went to have lunch.

'Okay, let's just go celebrate Dim's birthday without Dim.'


Ru brought three party poppers and had kept them in her bag. While we were waiting for our food to come, she took them out and found that one of the contents had already been released. She thought that meant the popper wouldn't pop anymore when she pull the string, so she pulled the string, and it POPPED SO LOUD, THERE WAS A MOMENT OF SILENCE, AND EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT, EVERYONE, FROM CUSTOMERS TO CASHIERS TO WAITERS TO COOKS, ALL TURNED TOWARDS OUR TABLE AND STARED AT HER.

I guess if we were going to celebrate a birthday, we have to do it right, even when the birthday girl was not there during the celebration. That was Ru doing it right.

We headed back home after lunch and had booked Dim for dinner at Burgerlab.

So after the fail from the morning, we still get to meet her and celebrate with her at last.

'Eh, you have to tell me the story from this morning!' Dim said excitedly.

All in all, it's been a fun day, and we had created another facepalm, funny, unforgettable experience as a bunch. I guess this was meant to happen, as an escape for everyone from our many days of studying every day. Maybe we needed it. We needed the laugh, we needed our friends. :) So, thank you for this.

Happy birthday, Dim. I look forward for the many more funny moments from the blur you, and the many more unforgettable moments we would created together with all of our friends here.


Monday, 15 February 2016





Friday, 1 January 2016

A Reminder